For the record, I have nothing against marriage. True I have always been vocal about my lack of interest in getting married but that doesn't mean I disapprove of it. If a friend decided to get married, I will not threaten her with a knife and it won't be the end of our friendship. Marriage, like many things, is a choice. Well, except of course for those who get married with guns pointed to their heads or those who need a marriage certificate to justify the growing womb. And there are also those whose lifelong dream is to have a family but remain single against their wishes due to the workings of fate beyond their control. In my case, it's a choice of steering clear of it.
Marching to the beat of a different drummer is not without its consequences though. Whenever I poke fun at marriage or criticize it, it is nothing personal. I usually do it for fun, but oftentimes as a way of getting back at those married people who hold their noses up so high you see nothing but their untrimmed nose hair. Gross, I know. Worse are those who like to assume that they've achieved nirvana by virtue of that hyphenated name and look down on you as if you're lacking an arm or ear. The worst are the ones who think that marriage is everyone's be-all and end-all and refuse to accept if you say that you are single by choice. The facial expressions reveal all sorts of conjectures like you're probably unable to bear children ( in my case, too old!), not marketable (in my case, past the marketable age) or still biding time inside the closet gathering enough courage to come out. These things used to affect me and drive me insane. They still do now though to a lesser degree because age has somehow inured me to it and taught me to be a little wiser. The way to deal is to stay as far as possible from these so-called friends who carry their marriage like a badge. I figured if they don't understand me and can't respect my choice, then they have no place in my life and are not worthy of my time and attention. They'll just be there in the list of my life's poor decisions and bad choices. Now on second thought, when I quoted Groucho Marx by saying "marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution," I realize that I was actually getting a bit personal there. BUT only to those who rouse my ire and deserve it.
So no, I do not harbor any kind of resentment towards married people. It's not sour grapes or defensiveness when I mock marriage or like to highlight its disadvantages. They're merely traps and predicaments that I foresee myself getting mired into if I decided to get hitched. I know of and have met a lot of wonderful people who have equally wonderful spouses, lovely children and a loving family. And I'd be a hypocrite to say that I don't admire and envy them. But believe me when I say that marriage is not for me. I am happy. Please be happy for me and don't force me to settle down. Do not be unkind and think me queer for choosing my own happiness and I promise not to laugh at you for marrying that loser. If I am moody sometimes, please understand that we all have bad days so don't be too excited to attribute it to old-maid syndrome. If you don't understand any of this, it's okay to pretend. But in the event that I change my mind, I assure you'll get an invitation that reads: You're right. You can have the last laugh.
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11 comments:
Hear, hear. I went through the same thing with many friends and traditional relatives (always dreaded holidays!). Strange how many people view time away from people as... strange! I'd burn out if I didn't have alone time! I read some New Age gurus say I'm like this because I'm a Pisces. Does that help? :D
I think more people should read on the proper definition of what an introvert is: http://giftedkids.about.com/od/glossary/g/introvert.htm
I think this Wiki entry sums things up: "Introverts, in contrast, tend to be more reserved, less outgoing, but are also marked by a richer inner world. They are not necessarily loners but they tend to have smaller circles of friends and are less likely to thrive on making new social contacts. Introverts are less likely to seek stimulation from others because their own thoughts and imagination are stimulating enough."
Was actually preparing for a single life myself -- family's been open minded about things plus we have an unmarried aunt living a great life, and I thought it's better suited to things I wanted to do (write and travel, collect books, fountain pens, inks, keep a studio, library and office in apartment!). But then Laoda and DSTS communed after graduation and savings for my original plan are now directed to a couple of college funds... :)
True! I'd die if I didn't have time alone! =O If I may add too, why do people always equate being alone with loneliness? I honestly feel lonelier when I'm in a crowd. :D
Haha! Library and office in an apartment -- I likey! Shall I fulfill that dream for you? =P My love for single life is born of the same reasons as yours! While I wasn't surprised, I still felt relieved that I am not the only person that thinks that way. Maybe it's a factor that we're both Pisces? hehe. Plus given how disproportionate my crazy spending habit is to my meager income ( on top of the inability to resist most buying whims)and how I can't give up certain obsessive indulgences like nearly 10 magazine subscriptions, I'd only make a terrible wife and mother. But yours is a wonderful love story and lovely family; and I believe, single or not, there's no affecting any of your brilliance and talent. Now that's the envy and admiration towards married women that I was talking about.:)
Anecdotes would probably fill pages of too much info, ha ha ha. By all means, live that life! A part of me actually lives vicariously through another unmarried friend. I believe if I ever fail living a relationship, I'd go back to being single and just as happy. :)
I don't mean to say a life with relationships is any better or worse... it's hard to say. I guess it's true it's more of a shifting of priorities rather than choosing a better choice. Our case, it's a case of opposite personalities pa; some days I wonder how we did get along (Binondo oriented native with sideline-minded, survival of the fittest friends who wonder about my weird book-collecting, sometimes isolated friends) but then the world is sometimes a funny joker.
And the kids! I'm also not a kiddie person! In fact I avoid them unless they want to play... this is after years of being assistant to my grandmother's summer art classes for kids, and having to deal with protective -- sometimes to the point of crazy -- parents after classes. Again, the relatives: "Why don't you practice with a pet to nurture your maternal instinct?" Er, no. Kaya nga 'instinct' eh... it's supposed to be instinctive? Believe me I only became tolerant of the management part of raising kids when I had mine. Basta we're just talking about MY kids because they happen to be mine and I love them. O di ba selfish pa din somewhat. Ha ha ha. So no, you're normal enough by my standards. If that's any comfort. :D
Ooop, sorry. Laoda being Laoda, took it upon himself to share your love story with me in one of our erstwhile conversations.:D I can't say I didn't enjoy it though, hahaha. I'm sure you now agree with Paula Abdul when she said Opposites Attract. ;)
As for kids, I have to say there's something Willy Wonka-ish in the way I deal with them. You know how there are those that are just difficult and not lovable at all? I can't take them and when they irk me, pinapatulan ko, haha. Agree with you on the part about maternal instinct. I also believe if I had my own child, I'd become the patient and loving person that I'm normally not! =D
Ay, oo, switchboard central yan. And until now, no updates about WT pa. Baka iba na nga ang initials ngayon... :)
no comment.
Naku LaoDa, malakas ka talaga sa amin at inapprove ni Doris yung 'no comment' as a comment under Comments.
Jill, you are sooo funny. Pero agree ako sa sinabi mo kaya 老大，你自己看着办吧！哈哈
沒什麼好辦的。哈哈。大家多慮了，謝謝關心。
i think iv always been among those who understood? i even envy you... (kasi kung gusto nya mag-nurse ako, mag nunurse naman ako!!! remember? or malabo? hehe). And i can totally understand why some people make the choice to stay single, the free-spirited side of me really envy those people. But i took the different road, and i don't regret it because i believe that i have found a very good man.
Dear Nosy, what was the nurse part about? I don't recall anything like that, hahaha. But yes, you've always been one of the few that truly understood.:) As for your taking a different road, what made it different? Wasn't that the path that you've always wanted to take in the first place?
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