Today's Bank Queue Made Bearable

My Thoughts on Marriage: The Lowdown

For the record, I have nothing against marriage. True I have always been vocal about my lack of interest in getting married but that doesn't mean I disapprove of it. If a friend decided to get married, I will not threaten her with a knife and it won't be the end of our friendship. Marriage, like many things, is a choice. Well, except of course for those who get married with guns pointed to their heads or those who need a marriage certificate to justify the growing womb. And there are also those whose lifelong dream is to have a family but remain single against their wishes due to the workings of fate beyond their control. In my case, it's a choice of steering clear of it.

Most of my friends are already married with kids. I can't say all of them are happy but I can say that a lot of them are. There's no mistaking the glow in the face of a happily married woman in the same way that you can't miss the smile that doesn't reach the eyes of someone who's in an unhappy marriage. Happy or not, I have only the highest admiration for these friends because they share these denominators: selflessness, willingness to sacrifice and unconditional love for their family. I always wish I could be like them and try to understand and appreciate the appeal and benefits of marriage ( of which there are a lot I'm sure) but alas, I'm too selfish and too much of a loner to want to cross the Rubicon. Consider the case of raising children. Nora Ephron wrote that patience with children is something that a childless person can never understand and that resonates very well with my own view. I love children but only when they're all cute and nice. That love can never extend to having to deal with their tantrums or feeding them for 10 hours (That is why I understand why Kitty Go is married but refuses to have children). Add to all that my inability to love myself which casts serious doubt that anyone can truly love me blackheads and all, and it rounds up my case for opting singlehood over motherhood, parenthood and marriage.

Marching to the beat of a different drummer is not without its consequences though. Whenever I poke fun at marriage or criticize it, it is nothing personal. I usually do it for fun, but oftentimes as a way of getting back at those married people who hold their noses up so high you see nothing but their untrimmed nose hair. Gross, I know. Worse are those who like to assume that they've achieved nirvana by virtue of that hyphenated name and look down on you as if you're lacking an arm or ear. The worst are the ones who think that marriage is everyone's be-all and end-all and refuse to accept if you say that you are single by choice. The facial expressions reveal all sorts of conjectures like you're probably unable to bear children ( in my case, too old!), not marketable (in my case, past the marketable age) or still biding time inside the closet gathering enough courage to come out. These things used to affect me and drive me insane. They still do now though to a lesser degree because age has somehow inured me to it and taught me to be a little wiser. The way to deal is to stay as far as possible from these so-called friends who carry their marriage like a badge. I figured if they don't understand me and can't respect my choice, then they have no place in my life and are not worthy of my time and attention. They'll just be there in the list of my life's poor decisions and bad choices. Now on second thought, when I quoted Groucho Marx by saying "marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution," I realize that I was actually getting a bit personal there. BUT only to those who rouse my ire and deserve it.

So no, I do not harbor any kind of resentment towards married people. It's not sour grapes or defensiveness when I mock marriage or like to highlight its disadvantages. They're merely traps and predicaments that I foresee myself getting mired into if I decided to get hitched. I know of and have met a lot of wonderful people who have equally wonderful spouses, lovely children and a loving family. And I'd be a hypocrite to say that I don't admire and envy them. But believe me when I say that marriage is not for me. I am happy. Please be happy for me and don't force me to settle down. Do not be unkind and think me queer for choosing my own happiness and I promise not to laugh at you for marrying that loser. If I am moody sometimes, please understand that we all have bad days so don't be too excited to attribute it to old-maid syndrome. If you don't understand any of this, it's okay to pretend. But in the event that I change my mind, I assure you'll get an invitation that reads: You're right. You can have the last laugh.